So I had total knee replacement surgery (!). It all went surprisingly well, no complications or other glitches. Or so the surgeon told me in post op. At least I think that was the surgeon. I'm not sure. There was also a little gray kitten running up and down my bed on my leg. I told the nurse I was pretty sure it wasn't real but I kept seeing a little gray kitten. The nurse promised me there were no little gray kittens in post op. If there wasn't a little gray kitten, was there ever a surgeon? You can understand my confusion on this point. I'll see him in like 3 weeks and I guess we will find out then. (Joan brought me a little stuffed gray kitten once I got to my room. I named him Bruce.)
I was in the hospital a full two extra days longer than planned. After surgery, my electrolytes took a nosedive and the internist was very worried. This wasn't presented to me as "Your electrolytes are low, so you can go home if you want, but be sure to drink lots of Gatorade." It was, "Your electrolytes are low, and you are not going anywhere until we figure this out." So I had to drink lots of Gatorade. I hate Gatorade. I have never liked it. The hospital only had two flavors but I obediently drank them. I am home now and I still hate Gatorade. And I'm still drinking a lot of it.
The other thing I did a lot in the hospital was walk. Whenever I woke up (which was not often; they had me taking OxyContin and that stuff knocks me six ways to Sunday) and could gather myself together enough to get up and pee, I would also ask the nurses to take me for a walk. I would set out in my walker, walk as far as possible and then turn around and go back. This might be at 10 am, 3 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning. In fact 4 in the morning was more likely because that was when the staff had extra time. So the first time I made it as far as the emergency stairs. (Always know where the emergency stairs are, kids.) The second time I made it to the nurse's station. The third time I made it all the way around and back to my room. (Private room, by the way. I think they were warned about me.) I kept doing that as long as I was there.
There were some glitches. We found out if I take Tramadol, it interferes with something else I'm taking. So I can't take Tramadol, which is like the step-down drug from opioids. So I'm taking the mildest opioid there is, hydrocodone, and just reducing the amount. I'm down to one pill every 4 hours. I can cut them in half, so the next thing will be half a pill. Maybe in a few more days.
Have I been in pain? Why yes, I have, but I was in a fair amount of pain before the surgery. So this is really not new. At physical therapy it gets bad, but just walking around, sitting, etc it is not bad. It's there but I kind of just ignore it if that makes any sense. I mean, unless I do something that brings it forcibly to my attention, like standing on one foot or turning the wrong way. Don't do that.
But I am home now and going to physical therapy. And as healthy as all of you are, some of you will have to go to physical therapy. So this is what I have learned in physical therapy. Just in case you ever need it.
Physical therapy tip No. 1: It's going to hurt no matter what you do. Take your pain meds (or something over the counter, if you can) about 45 minutes before your appointment and hope for the best.
Physical therapy tip No. 2: Don't cheat. Yes, there are a lot of ways to cheat, but don't do it. You're there to get better. Let those guys help you.
Physical therapy tip No. 3: No. 2 notwithstanding, if you need a short break, ask for a glass of water.
Physical therapy tip No. 4: Also No. 2 notwithstanding, it's OK to take short breaks. Like 5 seconds after 5 reps and 10 seconds after 10 reps. Just don't abuse the privilege.
Physical therapy tip No. 5: Every exercise (that I've encountered) has 2 parts. There's the movement that's the point of the exercise, and there's the opposite movement. Like bend the knee, straighten the knee. The tip is, don't neglect the second part. If bending the knee is the point, bend the knee, but also fully straighten the knee until you get a stretch between bends. You will progress faster and you'll have to do this fewer times.
Physical therapy tip No. 6: Try really hard to do what the physical therapist says the way they say to do it. If you need a short break, say so, but don't argue and don't opt out of doing an exercise because you don't feel like it. You won't feel like it next time either. Be an adult about this.
Physical therapy tip No. 7: You want a 10 minute ice wrap at the end of the session. Yes, you do, no matter how much you want to run screaming out the door and never see these people again. Ask for one. And when you get home, you'll want to sit with an ice pack for about 30 minutes.
Physical therapy tip No. 8: Do your home exercises. I know, I know. But do them. Three times a day if you can. Or at least twice. And on the day of a session, you would be a total rock star if you did your exercises at least once in addition.
Physical therapy tip No. 9: Send your physical therapy office donuts or Tiffs Treats or something after you're done. Physical therapists are underappreciated in the medical field even though what they do is critical. Let them know they are loved. Just don't do it while you are still a patient. It might look like a bribe.
Oh man, I forgot the most important one! Physical therapy tip No. 10: Three minutes is the first two verses and the first two choruses of Men at Work's "Who Can It Be Now." Four minutes is the first two verses, the first two choruses, the saxophone solo and the first line of the third verse.
Well, there ya go. Hopefully that will help. If you have any more tips, send them along and I'll publish them in a future blog post. And probably you all have great DNA and never get in accidents and will never need to know this anyway. But you never know. Cheers!
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