Sex Toys, Part II: Oomph and Girth

You guys, I am heartily sorry for the lag between episodes here, but I kind of got caught up in publishing a book (!).  Dau San just wants to run a peaceful meditation center, but when a ghost follows him home, chaos invades his house, his job and even his unexpected new relationship. 

 

Dharma Goes Bump:  A Supernatural Comedy.  Just in time for the spooky season! 

Available here:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HMVRWMRH

Go buy a copy, it's cheap and short.  You can read it in an hour.  I'm already working on a sequel.

Back to vibrators, though.  The next thing you want to consider in selecting a new friend is its oomph.  Its zaza.  Its mojo.  Its joie de vivre.  In short, how hard does it vibrate, and in what patterns, exactly?  This is very important.  No two people have exactly the same preference for oomph.  This means you will have to experiment.  Fortunately, the experiments are fun and there is no deadline.

Some general pointers, though.  First of all, the more batteries, the more oomph.  Something that takes a single AAA cell is not going to have the oomph of a 4-D cell magic wand.  (If such a thing exists.  It might, but I have never seen one.)  And really, if you want serious oomph, you gotta go electric.  That cord from the power plant is friendly, safe and cheap.  

Also, most electric vibrators are chargeable now, so you aren't even messing with an actual wire.  You just plug it in to your computer (yeah, it looks a little odd in your open-plan office space, but hey, you told HR to get cubicles, it's not your fault that they didn't listen).  In about an hour it's fully charged and ready to go.  Check the manufacturer's instructions, but most will give you several hours of serious oomph.  Better yet, buy two.  You can charge one while the other one's doing its thing.  

Now, you don't wanna hurt yourself.  As a general rule, do NOT turn the thing onto the highest setting and slap it hard into your meat, okay?  I mean ER docs have to put up with a lot as it is.  Choose a safe, sane and low setting to get started.  Yes, you can turn it up from there, and you may decide that peak speed is where you want to go.  Just don't start there.

Also, always use a good lube.  Especially as we ladies get older, our natural faucets have a tendency to shut down to a trickle where there was once a fire hose.  Remember that toy store where you picked up your little friend in the first place?  Well, it also sells lube, I promise you.  You can even get interesting flavors, like cinnamon and peppermint.  And gentlemen, you need lube too.  No, really, your mom's Jergens lotion is not gonna do it.  

There's also the question of how a vibrator vibrates.  A coil type vibrator, for example, has a coil of wire in it, and the electricity or battery spins it around inside its housing.  This makes for a predictable low-frequency vibrating pattern of lows and highs, kind of like ocean waves.  A more electronic vibrator, the kind with Bluetooth and a remote control, is likely to vibrate at a higher frequency, but not as much.  That is, it's not vibrating as far.  Which one you like best is largely going to be a matter of individual taste, so taste lots of both kinds.  You will develop a preference.  It may be small and sleek, or it may look like Andre the Giant's--anyway, it is your preference and you should have toys that celebrate it. 

And speaking of size, size does matter.  Nobody wants a bad fit.  The most important factor here is not how long that sucker is -- vaginas, as a rule, are only about 4-6 inches long at the outside, and any more is just gonna hang out in the cold -- but how big around it is.  In short, its girth.  Ladies, this is mportant.  If it's too skinny, you're going to miss out on a lot of the fun.  If it's too fat, it will hurt going in, or you may not be able to get it in there at all. Again, use lots of lube!  You want a firm, but not too firm, fit.  And you want some nice nubs or other texture over the G spot.  

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not point out that penetration is entirely optional.  The most fun is to be had outside as it is.  Bullet or ball type vibrators are perfect for this sort of thing, either alone or in combination with a dildo.  Ladies, we have so many nerve endings that stimulation of whatever's there is eventually going to take you where you want to go.  So why not have fun along the way?  My favorite bullet vibrator has ten different vibration patterns, any one of which I might fixate on for a month and then forget about for a year.  

If you haven't been shopping yet, the Christmas sales are right around the corner!  Yes, sex toy vendors have Christmas sales.  And Halloween sales.  And probably Thanksgiving sales.  

Next time we'll talk cleaning and maintenance, and how to talk about this stuff with a partner.  That is, if you want to.  Happy Halloween!  And buy the book!