What I Heard About Health Care Reform

(quoted from all over the place. Too funny not to share.)
Playing in the background: Pandora Radio. Love that stuff.

I heard it mandates abortion on all first born daughters.

I think it will make all people the age of 39 get vasectomies. Even if you don’t have male sex organs, it doesn’t matter. They will implant them into your body and then snip them, because, y’know, they have to have uniformity.

It killed my puppy! And it’ll kill yours, too.

It will mandate that all citizens be implanted with a series of numbers upon birth. When the government deems population growth is too rapid, or generally full of undesirables, a random lottery will be held, and every human being whose number is called will be captured and sent to a “Life Enrichment Facility” where they will be sacrificed and their bodies donated to the cult of science.

I heard Obama is personally going to go to every single hospital, doctor’s office, and nursing home in America, round up everyone over the age of 65, and then force them all into Gladiator-style contests where they are forced to fight to the death. Obama will sit on a huge throne wearing purple and gold robes and a crown of golden laurels and will issue the final judgment on whether people live or die by giving a thumbs up or thumbs down. And if he sees an old person who really pisses him off, then he reserves the right to ride out on his golden chariot and execute that mofo himself. All the while, the liberals will cheer from around the stadium and wave banners that say things like, “Kill the olds!’ and “Down with the age’d!” Afterwards, there might even be some acts of ritual cannibalism of the dead, which we all know liberals participate in.

Conservatives, of course, will be rounded up as well and forced to collect and dispose of the bodies. Later, they will be forced into indentured servitude in liberal households and forced to feed sex-addicted, homosexual, jobless, atheist, communist liberals grapes and clean their mansions, which of course the liberal government confiscated from all the formerly rich capitalists and conservatives. And when they turn 65, they’ll have to fight in the Gladiator games, too. Obama will still be around, obviously, since the liberals will by this time have declared him Supreme Dictator Emperor of America for All Time, Even Supplanting God and Christianity with His Muslim Terrorist Religion of DOOOOOM.

What? That’s not what you heard?

I heard that it’s going to take the health insurance away from all the rich people, and give it to the lazy poor people — just like Robin Hood — and then all the poor people will have health care (!!!!!) while the rich people have NOTHING. And then, the lazy poor people will have yachts and eat caviar on them with their good health, while the hard-working rich people die in squalor from treatable conditions. And as all that’s happening, Obama takes a jacuzzi bath in your personal tax dollars and laughs maniacally, because HE HATES RICH PEOPLE, especially the white ones, and wants them all dead. Since that’s what people born in Kenya do, you know, after they illegitimately become president. That’s what I heard. (Saw it on FOX!)

I heard that the taxes from health reform will be so high we won’t be able to eat, so we’ll all have to live in the hospitals we’re paying for, and then when we can’t work, they’ll throw us out on the street to die.

Except they won't be able to throw us out because we'll all have health insurance.