Then, on the way here, the DJ on 98.7 gives me an idea: Misquoting Shakespeare.
People, you can take the English major out of Arizona State before she Makes the Big Mistake and goes to grad school, but you can't get the Bard out of her head. No way. Nohow. Never. It's too late by then. And the next time I hear somebody say "First thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers" or "Money is the root of all evil," I'll probably blow a blood vessel. I mean, I get it, okay? When you make that statement about killing all the lawyers, it sounds really cool, and hip, and, I dunno, reactionary, somehow. But when you throw in the context and realize that the guy who said it, Dick the Butcher, was saying it to impress the rebel Jack Cade, and that Jack wanted to break down law and order and create chaos where there was once a civilized society so he could crown himself King, well--not as hip, is it? In fact, killing all the lawyers starts to sound like a bad thing.
And "Money is the root of all evil"--puh-lease. Numero uno, the quote is "The love of money is the root of all evil," which makes a lot more sense in the context of the story that follows. Numero two-o, that's not even Shakespeare. It's Chaucer, you illiterate moron. Chaucer died about 160 years before Shakespeare was even born, and left us with the Canterbury Tales and a lot of other weird stuff that's written in Old English and is harder than hell to understand. Fun when translated, though. Also, Chaucer was to literature what Michelangelo was to painting and sculpture. Chaucer's original plan for the Canterbury Tales assumed he'd live at least ten thousand years and be writing right up through the last day of the last one. Unfortunately, he died at the age of 46, like a lot of people did in his time.
Speaking of the love of money, I would love some money. In fact, if somebody wanted to give me an Ativan, a cup of very strong hot chocolate and, oh, money, that would be awesome. (I'd settle for the hot chocolate.) Last year, we were clobbered with a new roof (our share: $3,500.00), new pipes under the house ($3,700.00), a new transmission thingy (I never know the names of these thingies; just how much they cost. This one was $2,500.00), a washing machine, a stove/range, and I forget what all else but none of it was cheap. And yeah, we had a savings account, but had. Past tense. Is gone. And unfortunately, it's not like life's little disasters stop pouncing on you just because you are broke.
Take the pipes under the house. Please. Seriously; we had a leak in our new pipes, and when the guy came to fix it, he told us that we had a Serious Problem with our sewer line that went out to the city system. As in, dig it up, yank it out and put in a new one. Cost: Around $7k, not counting however much it costs to stay at a hotel for a few days because we don't have water. Well, that was a fascinating conversation. Then a few weeks ago we had another leak, another guy came out, and told us we had an equally Serious Problem with the water pipes that came in from the city system. They, too, need to be dug up and replaced, and the price just went up to $12k (maybe only 11 if we have both that and the sewer line done at the same time). Apparently the new pipes under the house are having trouble holding on to the old pipes that come and go. The fault lies in the old pipes, which, let's face it, are pushing 60.
For the record, we only paid $94k for the whole house.
So I guess I'm, I dunno, getting a Saturday job or something. Maybe I'll turn tricks on Harry Hines Boulevard. Maybe I'll use my exacting knowledge of chemistry to make the best crystal meth in the DFW metro area, and it'll quickly become popular and sell well and--
Hey. That'd make a good TV show.