Sex Toys, Part II: Oomph and Girth

You guys, I am heartily sorry for the lag between episodes here, but I kind of got caught up in publishing a book (!).  Dau San just wants to run a peaceful meditation center, but when a ghost follows him home, chaos invades his house, his job and even his unexpected new relationship. 

 

Dharma Goes Bump:  A Supernatural Comedy.  Just in time for the spooky season! 

Available here:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HMVRWMRH

Go buy a copy, it's cheap and short.  You can read it in an hour.  I'm already working on a sequel.

Back to vibrators, though.  The next thing you want to consider in selecting a new friend is its oomph.  Its zaza.  Its mojo.  Its joie de vivre.  In short, how hard does it vibrate, and in what patterns, exactly?  This is very important.  No two people have exactly the same preference for oomph.  This means you will have to experiment.  Fortunately, the experiments are fun and there is no deadline.

Some general pointers, though.  First of all, the more batteries, the more oomph.  Something that takes a single AAA cell is not going to have the oomph of a 4-D cell magic wand.  (If such a thing exists.  It might, but I have never seen one.)  And really, if you want serious oomph, you gotta go electric.  That cord from the power plant is friendly, safe and cheap.  

Also, most electric vibrators are chargeable now, so you aren't even messing with an actual wire.  You just plug it in to your computer (yeah, it looks a little odd in your open-plan office space, but hey, you told HR to get cubicles, it's not your fault that they didn't listen).  In about an hour it's fully charged and ready to go.  Check the manufacturer's instructions, but most will give you several hours of serious oomph.  Better yet, buy two.  You can charge one while the other one's doing its thing.  

Now, you don't wanna hurt yourself.  As a general rule, do NOT turn the thing onto the highest setting and slap it hard into your meat, okay?  I mean ER docs have to put up with a lot as it is.  Choose a safe, sane and low setting to get started.  Yes, you can turn it up from there, and you may decide that peak speed is where you want to go.  Just don't start there.

Also, always use a good lube.  Especially as we ladies get older, our natural faucets have a tendency to shut down to a trickle where there was once a fire hose.  Remember that toy store where you picked up your little friend in the first place?  Well, it also sells lube, I promise you.  You can even get interesting flavors, like cinnamon and peppermint.  And gentlemen, you need lube too.  No, really, your mom's Jergens lotion is not gonna do it.  

There's also the question of how a vibrator vibrates.  A coil type vibrator, for example, has a coil of wire in it, and the electricity or battery spins it around inside its housing.  This makes for a predictable low-frequency vibrating pattern of lows and highs, kind of like ocean waves.  A more electronic vibrator, the kind with Bluetooth and a remote control, is likely to vibrate at a higher frequency, but not as much.  That is, it's not vibrating as far.  Which one you like best is largely going to be a matter of individual taste, so taste lots of both kinds.  You will develop a preference.  It may be small and sleek, or it may look like Andre the Giant's--anyway, it is your preference and you should have toys that celebrate it. 

And speaking of size, size does matter.  Nobody wants a bad fit.  The most important factor here is not how long that sucker is -- vaginas, as a rule, are only about 4-6 inches long at the outside, and any more is just gonna hang out in the cold -- but how big around it is.  In short, its girth.  Ladies, this is mportant.  If it's too skinny, you're going to miss out on a lot of the fun.  If it's too fat, it will hurt going in, or you may not be able to get it in there at all. Again, use lots of lube!  You want a firm, but not too firm, fit.  And you want some nice nubs or other texture over the G spot.  

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not point out that penetration is entirely optional.  The most fun is to be had outside as it is.  Bullet or ball type vibrators are perfect for this sort of thing, either alone or in combination with a dildo.  Ladies, we have so many nerve endings that stimulation of whatever's there is eventually going to take you where you want to go.  So why not have fun along the way?  My favorite bullet vibrator has ten different vibration patterns, any one of which I might fixate on for a month and then forget about for a year.  

If you haven't been shopping yet, the Christmas sales are right around the corner!  Yes, sex toy vendors have Christmas sales.  And Halloween sales.  And probably Thanksgiving sales.  

Next time we'll talk cleaning and maintenance, and how to talk about this stuff with a partner.  That is, if you want to.  Happy Halloween!  And buy the book!  

Sex Toys, Part One: Suppliers and Materials

Hoo boy.  I'll bet when you opened a blog called "Buddhist in the Bible Belt," you did not expect a discourse on sex toys.  Buddhism, like most religions, seems anti-sex at first glance ("It's about meditation, not masturbation!")  But like most religions, Buddhism has to deal with human beings, and above all, Buddhism is about how to to be happy.  Buddhist human beings will have sex, because it makes them happy.  They will have sex a lot, they will enjoy having sex, and they will probably also have some bad experiences, as all human beings do.  

The particular stripe of Buddhism I follow was founded by Thich Nhat Hanh, who famously rewrote the Five Precepts into the Five Mindfulness Trainings.  The third one, True Love, talks directly about sex.  Surprise!  It doesn't say "Don't have sex."  It says, "...I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without mutual consent, true love, and a deep, long-term commitment. I resolve to find spiritual support for the integrity of my relationship from family members, friends, and sangha with whom there is support and trust."  The Third Mindfulness Training then refuses to define exactly what that means, but it does say that "Recognizing the diversity of human experience, I am committed not to discriminate against any form of gender identity or sexual orientation."  Those are the rules I follow, if they can be said to be rules (the Precepts are more like the Five Really Excellent Suggestions).  But no matter what kind of relationship you're in, even none at all, you should enjoy yourself.  We all need to enjoy ourselves. 

Anyway, there comes a time in every life when one realizes one is getting older.  The summer is almost over, and the autumn is coming.  You've worked for 30 years, learned some stuff, and now you have some Accumulated Wisdom and you want to Give Something Back.  And yeah, I've thought about teaching some paralegal courses or writing a book about law firm culture, but what I really know some shit about is sex toys. 

Especially vibrators.  The buzz, the Battery Operated Boyfriend, the Friday night date.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I have had some great sex.  (Though usually with the wrong people.)  But sex without sex toys is nothing compared to sex with sex toys. and even sex toys without the sex are pretty good.  I know where to get them, how to select them, and how to use them.  And I thought to myself, self, if ever information needs to be out there, this is it.  

Firstly, since I'm a paralegal, let's discuss the legalities.  There is no state in the Union where it is illegal to possess a vibrator.  There is one state (Alabama) where it is illegal to sell them, but fear not, you can get them mail order.  In Texas, it was once famously illegal to own more than six dildoes, and at one point in the early 2000s, a woman was actually arrested for hosting a sex toy party.  The charge was thrown out by the court on constitutional grounds. The six-dildo rule met a similar fate in 2008.  I combed the Internet high and low, and nowhere could I find a recent case of anyone being arrested for possessing or buying a sex toy.  At least not in the United States.  Thailand, Malaysia, several African countries and pretty much the entire Arab world is another story, so exercise extra caution and check local laws when traveling there.

I am all for supporting local merchants, but I'm going to make an exception here.  (Especially if you live in Alabama.)  Your best source of sex toys is usually not your local condom shop.  I mean, you can find stuff there (heck, they sell them on Amazon) and I'm not saying you should never shop there in an emergency, but if you want good quality stuff that's going to stand the test of time, you really want to get it from a mail-order vendor with an excellent reputation.  (Yes, you can have a good reputation for selling quality dildoes.)  

There are, by the way, about a zillion mail order corporations that sell this stuff.  The sex toy market was a $10.2 billion dollar industry in 2024, and more than 40,000 people in the United States are in some way employed in the production and marketing of sex toys. That's right, vibrators are not only fun, they are patriotic.  I have bought from several vendors and had both good and bad experiences.  But here are my favorites:

• Sub-shop.com.  This is a fetish and kink site so I sort of hesitated to lead with it for fear of scaring off the newbie, but it is far and above my favorite.  Autumn runs a tight ship, so to speak, and her Web site is amazing.  There are libidinous product descriptions, personal stories, how-to guides that cover subjects as wild as BDSM rule making and as mundane as relationship communication.  You can easily spend a few hours here.  Oh, and the prices are good too.  Autumn mail orders in a discreet brown box that looks like it's from the library, bills under "Autumn Boutique" and so far my stuff has shown up within 48 hours of purchase.  

• Goodvibes.com.  This is the grandmother of sex toy Web sites.  The company itself has been around since the late 1970s and was one of the first (and maybe only, at the time) sex positive, woman-friendly places to buy sex-oriented products.  Their anthem is "in our world, pleasure is celebrated.  Shame is replaced with empowerment..."  Their Sex Education Sales Associates receive more sex education than most doctors, and their Web site is friendly, professional and easy to navigate.  There's even an antique vibrator museum next time you're in San Francisco.

• Edenfantasys.com.  A little more raunchy than Goodvibes.com, Eden has a great layout and prides itself on offering the most bang for your buck (pun intended).  Sex toys are vigorously reviewed (pun also intended) on a one to five star system, and since the reviews consist of real people giving honest opinions, I have found them to be trustworthy.  They are also highly environmentally correct (they even have a recycling program).  

So that should get you shopping.  Now, let's have a quick word about materials.  

Especially if you have a sensitivity to certain chemicals, you will want to pay particular attention to what your friend is made of.  Some materials are porous and some are not, which is important when it comes to cleaning and sanitation.  Also, there are different textures for different sensations.  Here are the materials you will see most often, and their pluses and minuses.

• Hard plastic.  This is the most common material.  It is relatively cheap, easy to find, and it comes in a wild variety of colors and surfaces. The touch sensation is nothing at all like actual human skin, but it has the advantage of being easy to clean, and unlikely to retain germs.  

• Silicone.  Silicone feels amazingly like human skin, is softer than hard plastic and packs a powerful punch, if you get my drift.  Disadvantages include skin sensitivity for some people and complaints of inadequate firmness.

• Gel.  This is the softest material you can get for a vibrator.  It also has a very realistic skin sensation, with the same disadvantages of skin sensitivity and lack of firmness.  

• Glass.  Yes, you can get a glass dildo.  Obviously it will be cold, but it warms up pretty fast and is wonderfully firm. There are no problems with skin sensitivity, but you don't want to drop it.  Glass also tends to be expensive.

• Crystal.  Disclaimer: I have never actually tried one of these, but I have heard absolutely rapturous reviews from people who have.  Rose quartz is a favorite.  Obviously very firm and nonporous, but very expensive and kind of hard to find.  

• Leather.  Leather wins for the most realistic skin sensation, because of course.  Firmness varies with the build.  On the expensive side but much cheaper than glass or crystal.  Warning:  YOU MUST USE A CONDOM IF YOU ARE GOING TO SHARE ONE OF THESE.  Leather is incredibly porous and it is not safe to do otherwise.

I'll bet you didn't know there was so much to sex toys.  Well, the most important thing is to enjoy the ones you buy, and this should get you started.  Next time we'll talk about vibration, patterns, getting the most oomph for your money, and how much oomph do you need, anyway?