The Ultimate Lesbian Wet Dream

(Boy, that oughta increase site traffic...)
Playing in the background (badly); Jocelyn Pook, music from "The Merchant of Venice"
Meters swum today: None.
Miles swum in July, Swim for Distance Month: 17.9

Okay, kids, take a look here at the cover of Time Magazine. That's Dara Torres, age 41, a serious medal contender in the 50-meter freestyle at the Beijing Olympics. This is a slightly more flattering shot:
I admit I have a thing for the older ladies (I am exactly 18 months younger, thank you). Seriously, though, when someone who's 41 can do great things in a sport that's dominated by 20 year olds, the rest of us oughta have a prayer in heck, wouldn't you say? In a recent post I was whining about not looking like a swimmer. Well, take a look at Dara here. THIS IS WHAT A SWIMMER LOOKS LIKE. Rippling muscles. Six-pack abs. Eighty-inch wingspan. Jen's wingspan, for anybody who's interested: 65 inches from middle fingertip to middle fingertip. Joan had to help me measure. She graciously agreed to be interrupted in the middle of the Sunday papers for this purpose. She is a sport. She also speaks of herself in the third person when she wants me to add something to my blog about her, which she could do herself, but hey, I digress.

Anyway, if God had asked me what body I wanted for Christmas I could not do better than Dara's (though whether that's a body to be in, or a body to be all over, I don't think He was specific. I also don't think it matters. Alas, she is straight. And I am married.) And, yes, it's true that I took the body I got and did terrible things to it, but even if everything had gone exactly perfect, I would not look like Dara. Wrong set of genes altogether.

This week I finally got near a scale (the scale at the pool underweighs me by about 30 pounds, which is flattering, but not at all accurate) and discovered I've reached a weight I last saw in 1997. At least, I think it was 1997 because it was the last year before Beth moved to Oregon and we went to Disneyland on her Holiday Inn employee rate pass. Anyway, we were in Tomorrowland where they have these scales that show you what you'd weigh on different planets and I had this moment of amazement standing on the one for Earth because my weight was over a certain number that ends in two zeroes for the first time. I'm not gonna tell you what number that was. Here's a hint, it did not start with a one.

From 1997 to 2006 is nine years. It took nine years for me to pass this double-zero milestone and go up to my highest weight ever, which, again, I'm not gonna tell ya, but it was 40 pounds more than the first one. It's only taken A YEAR AND A HALF to come back down from there. That's a miracle. That's the hand of God. And here I am whining that I don't have Dara Torres's body. In either capacity. Which just goes to show that we human beings do a lot better and are much happier when we appreciate what we have; air conditioning, law enforcement that comes when we call (usually), three cats, a laptop, four functioning limbs.

I solemnly vow not to whine about how long it's taking me to lose this weight any more. But if Dara Torres ever wants to come over for dinner, a movie, etc. etc., that would be just fine.